Hristina Cvetkovic
Idaho State Women’s Tennis
Whoever knows me knows what tennis means to me. I am constantly struggling with injuries and people at Holt Arena know me as a “Serbian girl that’s always in the training room.” Despite going through multiple injuries as a kid, despite having a slipped disc and many other problems, I never stopped playing. Ever. From the moment I started playing tennis, I knew I fell in love.
I have been playing for 13 years already, and I am still obsessed with it. I came from a small country 5,000 miles away, from a place that has been through war and many other difficulties in the past, a place that has talented and some of the most courageous athletes. Novak Djokovic, Vlade Divac, Pedja Stojakovic, Nikola Jokic, Milos Teodosic, Bogdan Bogdanovic, Milorad Cavic and many others that you might not know. Whenever I feel homesick and alone, those people come to my mind and give me strength to keep going and enjoy the beauty of the sport. From Serbia I ended up in Pocatello, playing for the school that I am willing to fight all my injuries for. Nothing can stop me. Not even the doctors that said that I should stop playing tennis.
At the end of last year’s season, I experienced some issues with my right shoulder. As I am used to playing through pain, I didn’t take it serious. I tried to isolate myself from the pain and forget that it exists. It worked. At least until I got back in August after a summer spent at home sophomore year. I was ready to play even better than the previous year, set higher goals and build my game. What made me think that I would be healthy enough to do that? Just before our first home tournament at the end of September, I experienced the same pain that I did before. This time it was a lot worse. Few days before the tournament, I felt that my right hand was colder than usual. The doctors said it was a nerve thing.
I got through the first day of the tournament with two wins, but something was not right. After each point I felt that my whole arm was getting weaker and weaker. The following day, after I won another match, I realized that my pinky is blue and freezing. It scared me, at least a little bit. I wanted to make sure that it is nothing serious. I barely got through the match that I played against my teammate and I knew it was more than just a nerve thing. I was told to take a week off, no tennis at all. Two days afterwards, my pinky became completely white, with no blood in it. I didn’t know what to do or who to call.
Long story short, I saw three different doctors in a week and was given a different diagnosis each time.
After a hand specialist sent me to a vascular surgeon, I was told to do ultrasound and CAT scan in order to see what the problem really is. After doing all the tests I was told that I would get a call in the next three hours. An hour. Two. Three. Nothing.
I was sitting on the floor of my room, next to my tennis bag, ready and packed to go to the regionals tournament the next day. My mom was flying all the way from Serbia, hoping to watch me play. I was holding the phone in my hand and did not wanted to let it go. After a while I received a call. The lady asked me how I feel and said “The doctor looked at your results. He recommends not playing tennis.” With a lot of confidence I asked “For how long?” expecting to hear a week or two, and the lady replied “Well, not ever again Hristina. You could lose your finger if you keep playing tennis and you can create a blood clot.”
I cannot explain how many thoughts, emotions and feelings came through my mind and body. I started shaking, I lost my breath and I felt like I could not say a word. What kind of a doctor tells an athlete that she or he should not play ever again, just like that? I remember calling my mom, crying for about five hours and going to the training room to tell Jodi [Wotowey, ISU’s head athletic trainer] what happened.
I had two diagnoses, Hypothenar Hammer Syndrome, which is a fancy way of saying that I have trouble with the ulnar artery that goes through my hand, which experiences pressure when I hold my racket. This causes the loss of the blood flow and the change of color in my fingers, which can create a blood clot and go to my heart. The other diagnosis was Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, which means that my blood vessels or nerves coming down from my neck are compressed.
This spread out around the campus pretty fast and the support I received from other athletes was absolutely incredible. Basketball, soccer, football, volleyball, softball… a group of guys and girls from each team convinced me that it is not over and will not be anytime soon. They believed that I will get better even when I didn’t, even when I was thinking about all the possible consequences such as not being on a scholarship anymore and being sent home.
Thanks to them I had faith.
The following morning, I saw the hand specialist again. After talking about my diagnosis, he looked at me and said “Look at her necklace. It’s a tennis racket and a cross. Can you see how much this sport means to her?” We came to an agreement that I will take a two-month break without any tennis or weight lifting, but also without any guarantee that my arm will be better afterwards.
The hardest two months were ahead of me. Not being able to play the game that I love was my worst punishment. It was hard to watch practice everyday without being able to grab a racket and start playing. It was hard to think about what will happen after those two months. It was hard to stay positive and believe that I will be able to play like I did before. I would spend time in the training room, my second home as people say, just so I am surrounded by the people who can take my mind off of all the negativity, at least for a little bit.
I would go to the football and volleyball games because it gave me strength to keep going. Watching my friends fight on the field and the court, watching them do what they love, watching them support and push each other; it all gave me a lot of motivation. What kind of a friend to them would I be if I gave up?
Somehow, I got through it all. I became stronger both mentally and physically. I adjusted some things in the weight room and started getting my legs stronger as I was unable to use my arm. [ISU head strength ]coach Dan Ryan would be there to push me through any crises that I would go through. People would even say that if I cannot use my right hand ever again, I should just switch it to my left hand and I would still kill it.
I remember Luke Holloway, [linebacker on the ISU football team] telling me “Can’t sit around and do nothing. Get to work on that left hand.”
Luckily, my mom was here when I tried playing left handed and it was an absolute disaster the first couple of days, but better than not playing at all.
After a two-month break, I realized that it will take me twice longer to get to the level that I was before. People doubted me.
I lost the first couple of matches at the beginning of the season. I was too hard on myself. I focused on what people expected more than on the process of coming back. I did not want to disappoint anyone who thinks “Oh, she is number one, she has to play good. What is wrong?”
I allowed them to dictate how I am supposed to play and how fast my body is supposed to heal. The same people had no idea what I had to go through the previous three months. I gave myself a goal, and that goal is being patient and just being grateful to be back on the court. I am not focused on wins or losses. If I enjoy the game and the feeling of playing again, I succeeded. I realized that I should not rely on anyone’s expectations. I realized that my health is my priority and that it is a blessing to be given another opportunity and to be surrounded by certain people who never gave up on me. Especially my family.
I am still not 100 percent back. My shoulder is still kind of broken, but now, I got this.
Two months ago, I did not believe that I will ever play at the level that I used to. I would call my mom after the matches and I would cry and ask her “What is wrong? Why can’t I finish points like I used to? Why can’t I move my feet as well as before? Why do I get so nervous on the important points?” I would have too many questions and all she would say is “Breathe. It will take some time. That’s all.” For those who don’t know, my mom is a tennis coach and a former tennis player.
Two weeks ago, I was Big Sky Player of The Week. How? I breathe and I let things work out exactly how they supposed to and I let Jodi take care of me. My next goal is Player of The Year. I was not ready to let go of this sport, and I do not plan to anytime soon, no matter what. People approach me after my matches again, saying how big and good my forehand is and ask me if I know Novak Djokovic. The coaches and the players of the teams that we play approach me to tell me that they are glad that I am back and tell me that I look great on the court. It all makes me feel incredible.
Whoever made it to the very end of this story, sorry that it is so long. All I can say is that faith and love for the game are stronger than any injury that you can get, and I will quote Luke again, “Miracles do happen and that’s something the doctors can’t control.” As I take aspirin every day in order to prevent my finger from going white, as I still spend hours in the training room trying to fix my back, hips, shoulder, elbow, wrist… I still play. My coach, teammates and I are ready to finish this season strong, and I hope we have your support. Thank you, all the Bengal athletes, all the staff and the community for believing in me.
