SENIOR CITIZEN

Madeleine Coles

Co-Editor in Chief and News Editor


Dear Badvice,

I’m a senior, and I’m starting to feel really old. Talking with some of the incoming freshmen has made me realize that I am super behind the times. I honestly can’t even understand what they’re saying some of the time. They’re talking about all these new apps and trends, and I can’t even keep up. How do I get down with the youths?

Sincerely,

Senior Citizen


Dear Senior Citizen,

I completely understand what you mean. I, myself, am a master at speaking the language of the youths, mostly because I have a teenaged brother. However, I will tell you, it’s a difficult language to learn. The ins and outs of “youth culture” are incredibly nuanced and hard to understand. Luckily for you, it’s never too late to learn.

The first step in learning how to be hip like the youths is to view them in their natural habitat: this, of course, being social media.

Lesson number one: you’re using social media all wrong.

Facebook is dead. It’s for old people who don’t know that there are much better, doper apps out there. Kids these days are all about the twittersphere. RT’s (or retweets) are the ultimate status symbol. Basically, anything that goes viral these days starts on Twitter. If you’re not on Twitter, you’re already behind.

But it’s not all about Twitter. You need a massive web presence that includes profiles on just about every social media outlet. Next to Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat are where the youths of today are. And using these apps is a language in and of itself.

I, myself, am still learning about the best ways to use these apps. A few days ago, I discovered the term “finsta,” which is basically a “fake Instagram” account, also known as a spam account according to my brother, where the youths today post photos that weren’t fresh enough to post on their main page.

My brother, in particular, uses his “finsta” to post “blooper shots” and “savage” captions, such as “school is so fun it makes me want to drink bleach.” (Which apparently is not as concerning as one might think. The youths these days are all about sarcasm.)

Snapchat is a whole nother ball game in and of itself. The most important aspect of Snapchat are “streaks,” which is basically when you and another person have Snapchatted each other every day. The youths take Snapchat streaks incredibly seriously. Some people have streaks lasting for over a year, and losing a streak is the ultimate devastation. People have been known to delete the app over losing their Snapchat streak, particularly if it was in the hundreds.

In addition to being on social media, you’ve got to know the trends and lingo. What’s hot and what’s not changes on the daily, so it’s important to keep up. The youths today are incredibly “woke,” (which means socially conscious and aware of ongoing issues) so they usually choose to “stan,” (which means obsessively fan over) celebrities that are also “woke.” For example, right now, Cardi B, Cole Sprouse, Zendaya and Oprah are some celebrities who are “in,” while Kevin Spacey, Taylor Swift and Jake and Logan Paul are “cancelled,” (which means they’re not hot anymore/people don’t like them.)

But the most important thing to remember, Senior Citizen, is that this is just a small crash course in the world of the youths. Things are ever changing, and next week, this will likely all be old news, just like you and me.

Sincerely,

Badvice

Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.

Need some badvice? Email moc.liamgnull@lagnebeht.ecivdab

Send to Kindle