Dear Badvice,

Lately, I’ve felt unhealthy and disgusting. I have a terrible diet that includes a two-liter of diet soda with every meal, cheesy puffs and at least six Big Macs a week. I also don’t go to the gym and I have no desire to, but I would really like to get healthier. What do you recommend?

Sincerely,

Permanent Cheeto Fingers

Dear Permanent Cheeto Fingers,

First, I would like to point out that those are rookie numbers. Only six Big Macs a week? A diet soda? I had a buddy back in ‘nam that could eat six Big Macs at once with one hand while slaying commies with the other, and he drank actual Coca-Cola like a real man.

This was an everyday ritual for my dear old pal. His name was Twinkie because he loved Twinkies more than his own mother.

He lived to the ripe age of 30 before his untimely and unexpected passing. He did, in fact, die because of his Twinkie habit, but that’s only because a disgruntled badger mauled him to death to take it from him.

My point is if you are going to do anything in life, give it 100 percent. Open that new Pokémon card business, run that marathon, eat the whole cake or text your ex with a marriage proposal. Life is too short to live it with regrets.

But you want my advice on how to get healthy, not life. (But it is free advice, so you should take it.)

I have several suggestions to this question, as I often do, since life isn’t black and white, and every individual has a different set of skills and merits.

Being healthy is a way of life, not just a list of everyday chores that must be done before you can return to what you actually want to be doing. What I am going to tell you takes wholehearted dedication, not some dedication, not a little bit of dedication. This demands your very life.

You are going to want to change your eating habits from Big Macs to a strict diet of cucumber vodka and sticks of butter. Trust me on this, it will make your new workout better.

Then, you will want to locate a staging ground. Preferably the plains of Africa, or the ocean, somewhere with ample access to apex predators. A cemetery will also suffice (because let’s face it, the zombie apocalypse is inevitable).

Wherever you choose, this will serve as your new “gym,” except it’s not a gym because those are gross and for quitters.

This new “gym” also has some distinct advantages over the regular ones. It’s all natural. You get to experience the great outdoors, breathe that clean air and experience true fear.

After your staging area is selected and you find an apex predator, this is where that jar of mayonnaise comes in handy. (Don’t even try to lie to me, I know you have one on you at all times). At the mouth of the lion’s den, take your shirt off and smear that mayonnaise all over your sweaty flabby skin and prepare for your workout.

Once you’re sufficiently lubed up, charge head-first into that den and pounce on the nearest cub. Bonus points if you crush it like a grape. This will trigger the workout machine, so you better be ready to run and run fast (the mayonnaise will help you).

At this point, you’re probably running for your life, which is great. That’s what we are going for. The adrenaline and fear are great calorie burners. Assuming you survive this endeavor, you’ll want to do it again every week until you have the superhero body you’ve always wanted.

Then, get those rookie Big Mac numbers up and double the sugar in those two-liters. You’ll have a six-pack by the end of the month.

Sincerely,

Badvice

Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.

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