No offense, but if you have to start a sentence with that disclaimer, you’re probably about to say something that doesn’t need to be said.
In an era where we can fire off mindless comments at will without having to be face-to-face with the consequences, it can be easy to put your foot firmly in your mouth. It can also be easy to feel like it’s impossible to speak without offending someone, especially with the internet’s endless reach.
Sometimes people call us out (online or in real life) for saying things that are racist, sexist, in poor taste or otherwise offensive. The automatic response seems to be to prickle at these comments and dismiss them as accusatory or overly sensitive.
The thing is, being called out isn’t about you being an awful person. It’s about teaching you why your words or actions were harmful, and how you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future. While it may be a tough pill to swallow at the time, listening to oppressed groups is important when they tell you you’re being problematic.
To you it may be “just a joke,” but to others it can be like the same old broken record. You could be repeating ideas that continue to stereotype them as lazy, stupid, weak or any number of other traits that people unfairly judge them on based on race, gender, ability and more.
And those “jokes” have real consequences. Studies have shown that rapists justify their behavior through the reactions of others, and even believe that sexual assault is “normal” because of jokes about the topic. If you make a rape joke, you may be unknowingly telling a rapist that his actions were okay.
What’s worse, if you tell them in the presence of women there’s a one-in-three chance that you’re reminding someone of the most traumatic experience of her life. Are a few chuckles really worth it?
I’ve experienced being called out before, and I won’t act like I didn’t balk at criticism at first. It may seem like all of the non-offensive boundaries and parameters are too much, like it’s impossible to stay politically correct.
What I’ve found over time, though, is the exact opposite. I feel much more comfortable to talk to people of all different backgrounds without the fear that I’ll unintentionally insult or offend them. I feel better knowing I can have conversations and be funny without dehumanizing anyone.
If my actions or words do hurt someone, I feel as though I’m much more prepared to offer a sincere apology, and to understand their position on the matter.
I know I’ll slip up eventually. That’s part of the learning curve. But instead of getting angry, I’ll try to get educated and make sure I don’t make the same mistake twice.
Whether you’re about to make an off-color joke or be “painfully honest” with a friend, take a second to really scrutinize your words before you speak them.
If what you have to say is more harmful than helpful, don’t say it. If your comments contribute to attitudes or ideas that hurt someone else (race/rape jokes, for example), it’s best to keep your mouth shut. No offense, but it kind of makes you look like a jerk.
