My football team is 0-4 this season. What do I do?
Dear Chargers Fan,
Let me just preface this by saying, I have a very limited knowledge of sports. All sports. But particularly football. Occasionally people force me to “watch” a football game with them, which usually results in me staring at my phone and occasionally glancing up at the screen to yell, “Go sports!”
I barely even know what 0-4 means. I mean, common knowledge tells me it’s probably a score, and you’re probably losing. But my wisdom stops there. What I can tell you, however, is that sports are a waste of time and, as evidenced by the fact you are even writing to me, will only break your heart.
Relying on the athletic ability of someone you don’t even know to make you happy will never end well. Don’t even get me started on people who bet on football games. There is no easier way to lose your money.
However, that being said, I will still let you in on a few secrets to surviving the inevitable crushing disappointment rooting for a football team brings because I am nothing if not generous.
Number one, it’s not “your” football team. You’re not on a football team. You’re on a couch, wearing a jersey you paid an exorbitant amount of money for, so you can pretend to be on a football team you are not on. I feel as though, if you keep this in mind, that could greatly help you cope with your favorite football team losing their games.
And they are going to lose. Even if you team makes it to the Super Awesome Fancy Sportsball Finale (otherwise known as the Super Bowl, so I’m told) chances are very, very good that they’re not going to win every game they play before then. But sports fans take losses way too seriously. Like, way too seriously. Like, the loss of their firstborn child seriously.
Get it together, man. It’s a game. And they’re still making more money than you’d ever dream of seeing in your lifetime, win or no win.
Which brings me to point number two: dude. Seriously? These guys are millionaires. Now, I guess it’s not exactly fair for me to speak on behalf of the entire NFL, but if I was making that kind of dough every season, winning would be nothing more than a fringe benefit.
Sure, it’s nice to have all the glory that comes with winning, but football fans such as yourself glorify their favorite players even if they’re having the worst season of their career and literally could not be playing any worse. To you, it’s all about loyalty. You stick with your team even when they are an embarrassment to the name of football.
And with that in mind, I come to point number three: Chargers? Are you kidding me? There is no one on this planet who knows less about sports than I do, and even I know that the Chargers kind of suck. By that I mean I don’t know who the Chargers are, and for this reason I assume they kind of suck. Plus, according to you they’ve lost every game, so pick a different team, man. Sometimes you’ve just got to let the things you love go. It’s for the best. Really.
And finally, just remember, that whether your team is winning or losing, your nachos and chicken wings will taste just as good, and we all know that the only good thing football ever gave us is a solid excuse to spend every Sunday eating appetizers
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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