Dear Badvice,
Ever since I can remember, my sister and I have had very similar tastes in men. So similar, in fact, that when she got married to her current husband, I couldn’t help but fall in love with him too. Honestly, I am conflicted about it. My question: is it wrong to love your sister’s husband? Please help!
Sincerely,
Ms. Steal Yo’ Man
Dear Ms. Steal Yo’ Man,
Okay, first of all, there’s nothing to be conflicted about. Everyone has desires, and everyone seems to suppress them. I’m going to teach you the ways to bring those desires to fruition.
It’s really quite simple. Your situation probably goes something like this: every time your sister and her faux husband come around, you get this weird tingly feeling. This really annoying, overbearing, tingle. It’s that damn smile. Every time you see it, everything just feels right. You fantasize about what life would be like together. You have a house with two and a half kids and your dream kitchen and everything is just perfect. Then, the sister-shaped rock of reality comes along and shatters that illusion, leaving you empty, and cold, wishing it wasn’t so. Sound familiar?
Fear not though, my dear child, for with proper guidance, you can have that dream become reality. All it will take is your very soul. Are you ready to make that kind of commitment? Because, trust me, once you begin this journey there will be no turning back. Ever.
Now the most straightforward way to do this is to simply “get rid of” the competition. This sibling rivalry has transcended to a battle where the very fate of the universe hangs in the balance. There can be only one.
Personally, I recommend a good-old-fashioned duel. You will meet in the town square at precisely 11:59 a.m. when the sun is about to reach its apex. Each one of you will have a pistol with one bullet. You will stand back-to-back, then walk forward nine paces, then you shall turn around and face each other.
Through some magical means “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” theme song will sound from the heavens, and as the bell tolls at high noon, each duelist will take their shot. The one left standing will immediately win the heart of the so-called “husband.”
However, should you not fancy your chances in a duel, there are other means of procuring the young lad’s heart. You can do this quite literally by ripping open his rib cage and removing the pulsating thing. Slap that thing under your pillow at night and he will be forever yours.
The final means of procurement is a little something I like to call Operation Stockholm Syndrome.
First, you will want to put a soft pillowcase over his face while he gently slumbers and rough him up a bit just to make it authentic. Then, lock him in a cage along with his father. He will then beg for his father’s release while he remains in custody. Now, to make sure the rouse sticks, you will want to cover yourself in an excessive amount of fur, add some fangs and while you are at it, find or craft a bright yellow ball gown dress for your soon-to-be groom to wear while you dance to a singing teapot.
Any one of these options will surely win him over, and you will prove once and for all you are the alpha female.
Best of wishes,
Badvice
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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