Madeleine Coles

Life Editor

Dear Badvice,

I was wondering if there was any good, cheap way to reduce hangover symptoms?

Sincerely,

A habitual heavy drinker

Dear habitual heavy drinker,

Clearly, you’re not truly a heavy drinker because all the hard-hitters know that the absolute best hangover cure is to just keep drinking. You see, if you’re always drunk, you’ll never have a hangover.

Let me paint you a picture. You’re at a party with your friends; you’re having a great time; you have lost your dignity at the bottom of a bottle of tequila. At this point, life is great.

But because life is pain and all good things must come to an end, you eventually pass out in a puddle of your own vomit.

Now, this step is key.

When you wake up, you may be feeling the beginning symptoms of a hangover. This is when you pick the bottle right back up again. (I know what you’re going to say. “I can’t face straight tequila in the morning. I’ll throw up. Just the smell may actually kill me.” And I hear you, I do. This is what margarita mix was made for, my sweet alcoholic friend.)

But, if you truly can’t hang, (and if that is the case why are you even drinking in the first place, you lightweight?) a bottle of beer will do the trick just fine.

You don’t even necessarily have to get drunk, although I will never discourage the precious and time-honored tradition of day drinking. As long as you keep yourself slightly tipsy, I 100 percent guarantee you that your hangover will be as far away as your memories of the night before.

And listen, I know you asked for a cheap way, but let’s consider this: would you rather spend your money on painkillers and water and vegetables and whatever other lame things people less wise than I might try to tell you will “get rid of your hangover” or “detoxify your liver” or “stop slowly killing your body; you are the most unhealthy person I have ever met” OR would you rather spend your money on something that will only bring you tremendous fun of the most irresponsible kind?

Exactly. The choice is clear.

Happy drinking!

Sincerely,

Badvice

Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.