I’m going to be alone this Valentine’s Day. I wondered if you have any coping skills to deal with that?
Dear Forever Alone,
‘Sup. Welcome to the delicate torture of never ever having a Valentine’s Day date club. I’m the president.
The one and only time in my entire life I have found myself with someone on Valentine’s was my sophomore year of high school. I gave him a Baconator from Wendy’s; he gave me an inferiority complex.
So yes, Forever Alone, you bet your sweet, lonely bottom I’ve honed some foolproof coping skills. And because I’m nothing if not generous, (and sad, I’m pretty sad) I will pass those skills on to you.
The Tinder: Valentine’s Day is primo Tinder time. Other sad, dateless losers such as yourself are at their most desperate and vulnerable. It’s the perfect combination. You don’t even have to like each other; you don’t even have to see each other again.
I can guarantee you, you will be able to find one person willing to simply stage some photos for your social media account so next year your mother won’t buy you a shirt that says “Happy Singles Awareness Day” because she knows even before you do that you’re a lost cause.
The Opportunist: Few things feel quite as satisfying when you’re pathetic and depressed and surrounded by sick, sweet love as conning those sick, sweet lovers out of a pretty penny. Valentine’s Day is perfect for unique job opportunities.
Loan yourself out as a professional third wheel to take cute, “candid” photos for social media. Become the rape police for girls at clubs. Sell your services as a fake date. The ideas are endless.
The Cliche: Honest to God, there’s nothing better than a bottle of wine, a box of chocolates, a hot bath and a good pity cry for those who find themselves loveless on the day of love. Yeah, it’s overplayed in every movie, but for good reason! It totally works.
In the immortal words of Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle, “Treat yo self!”
The Tijuana Twist: This one mainly involves enough alcohol to permanently blind you and/or make you forget about the fact that you will never have love.
The Feminist/F***boy: This versatile coping mechanism works for both genders. Women post a very long and not so subtly political Facebook post about feminism and women’s empowerment and how it relates to the fact that they find themselves alone on Valentine’s Day year after year (by choice, of course. Girl power.)
Men, on the other hand, post something fairly concise and riddled with toxic masculinity about why they don’t want a needy, long-term relationship, and are therefore choosing to be alone and unattached on Valentine’s Day.
These are, of course, only a few coping mechanisms, and there are many more. Because let’s face it: we’ve all been there. Valentine’s Day is great when you’re in love. (I’m assuming. Wouldn’t actually know. Not bitter or anything, though.)
You’re all happy and healthy and free of the crippling insecurities that the rest of us sad sacks are riddled with. But almost everyone will experience at least one dateless Valentine’s Day.
So, Happy Discounted Chocolates Day, fellow single people. May we all find peace in passive aggressively commenting on couples’ Valentine’s Day photos together.
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
Need some badvice? Email firstname.lastname@example.org