BADVICE: FINDING THE BALANCE

Madeleine Coles

Life Editor

Dear Badvice,

So finals are coming up and, as a STEM major, I am swamped with homework, studying and breathing in general. Do you have any tips on balancing school and outside life?

Sincerely,

Stuck in Room

Dear Stuck in Room,

Maintaining a social life while going to school full time is a very delicate thing. Have you ever seen the video of that guy walking across Niagara Falls on a tightrope? It’s kind of like that.

Some people in your life might tell you that you can get good grades and still have fun. And as your friend and advisor, I’m here to tell you that those people are dirty, filthy liars. Listen man, you’ve got to think about what you want. And if that is an A average, power to you. But like hell you’re going to have any free time.

The true secret to balancing school and outside life is to carefully lower your academic goals. You have to be okay with getting a few Cs, or you’ll never leave your room.

The good news is, your college experience is going to be lit. The bad news is, your GPA- not so much.

However, there is a way around this, and that, my dear friend, is the magic of multitasking. Learn how to do your biology homework in between shots. Referee a game of beer pong to give yourself time to write that essay. Most importantly, utilize your fellow party goers. Believe me, when you’re in a room full of people, even drunk people, at least a few of them will be weirdly knowledgeable about whatever subject you’re working on. And drunk people are super competitive, so they’ll get really into your homework.

Trust me, multitasking will become your new best friend and the key to having a life outside of your textbooks.

Who says you can’t go to a concert five hours away right in the middle of finals week? If you leave by 2 a.m. and force someone else to drive, you can study in the backseat and be totally prepared and present for your 7 a.m. final. Boom. Multitasking.

Who says you can’t attend the football game when you have a big project due that same night? Bring a notebook with you and rally. Boom. Multitasking.

Who says you can’t go out with friends when you’ve got homework for three different classes? Make a friend from every major and your bases are covered. Boom. Multitasking.

Now those who don’t have the best interest of the party life in mind say you should just manage your time more “wisely.”

They might tell you that if you don’t procrastinate and set aside a certain amount of time for homework and studying and responsible things, you can also set aside a certain amount of time for social activities.

I’m happy to tell you that these people are robots sent by the Chinese to make you feel inadequate.

The truth is, time management is just one big lie. You can have the greatest, most immaculately planned out schedule in the whole world, but there’s no way you can possibly plan out every time someone will invite you to a social outing.

The robots would have you believe that if said social outing conflicts with your rigorous homework and study schedule you should pass. But you and I both know, Stuck in Room, that there’s no reason to be completely responsible when you can be sort of mildly responsible and also wildly irresponsible at the same time. Boom. Multitasking.

Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.

Need some badvice? Email moc.liamgnull@lagnebeht.ecivdab

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