Since I started college, I’ve been worried about gaining the “Freshman 15.” I’ve never really been very athletic or worked out much. How can I stay in shape in college?
Dear Freshman 15,
I totally get your concern. It’s very common among new college students, male and female alike, to worry about gaining weight, especially since it’s so easy to do. You’re away from home; you’re solely responsible for getting yourself food; it’s tough.
However, I can’t say I personally never worried about the so called “freshman 15” because I have always held one truth very dear to my heart: food is worth the fat. Have you ever heard someone say, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?” Those people are sad. Literally, all the happiness has been drained from their life. I don’t really know how skinny “feels,” but let me tell you what, the list of food that tastes better is long enough to wrap all those sad little healthy people up in. Twice.
These people may say they can help. They’ll tell you to drink water and eat vegetables and exercise daily and other such nonsense that we all know was made up by Michelle Obama’s arm muscles. But just think about this: those people don’t eat cheesecake for dinner. Ever. And what kind of a life is that really?
Listen, I know that you get punched in the face with the food pyramid a million times in your life, and everything you’ve learned up until now would tell you that eating cheesecake for dinner isn’t healthy and you should have a “balanced meal” with “healthy ingredients.”
And to that I would say, anything is healthy if you think about it the right way. Allow me to explain: cheesecake is hella nutritious. You’ve got your dairy, your grains, your protein, your fat, and top it off with some strawberry glaze, and you’ve got your fruit. Boom. All bases are covered, and there’s nothing stopping you from enjoying your delightfully healthy dinner.
I’m sure you’ve also heard that exercise is an” important part of a healthy lifestyle.” But having recently gone to a gym for the first time ever, I will tell you right now it’s highly overrated and way more work than it’s worth.
First, you have to buy gym clothes because everybody there looks like they just walked off a Pinterest board and if you show up in a t-shirt and sweatpants they’ll definitely know you’re an outsider.
Secondly, if your clothes don’t give you away, your complete lack of knowledge will because apparently the gym is basically an art form. If you’re like I formerly was and have never set foot in a gym before, let me just paint you a picture. Imagine, if you will, that you are a normal person living a normal life. And then one day, NASA plucks you out of that normal life and tells you you’re going to be an astronaut and puts you on a spaceship where you have to operate all of the equipment by yourself under their judging eyes. That’s the gym.
You don’t even know the kinds of crazy machines they’ve got up in there. And everybody just…knows how to work them? It’s mind boggling to say the least.
If you really want to avoid gaining weight in college, it can actually be done quite easily with two simple steps.
1) Stress yourself out. All the time.
2) Buy a parking pass.
Believe me, the combination of being stressed, tired and too busy to eat and having to walk all the way across campus due to the fact that there is literally never enough parking, will be more than enough to keep the freshman 15 at bay.
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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