Dear Badvice,

I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now, but I can’t really figure out if she’s into me or not. Every time we are alone together, she starts acting super strangely. One minute she’s into it, the next she isn’t.

Please help!

Sincerely, Hopelessly Enchanted

Dear Hopelessly Enchanted,

Ah! The age old question “Is she really into me?” I am quite familiar with this dilemma, my friend. One minute you are alone together swapping spit as candles gently flicker in the darkness, while “Careless Whisper” is blaring loud enough to annoy your roommates. Everything is perfect.

Just when you think “this is it” and you go to gently caress her ankles, she starts frantically screaming as she recalls a super embarrassing thing that happened to her twelve years ago and runs away never to be seen again. Until the next day in Bio where she is all flirty and acts like nothing strange happened at all.

So, is she into you? Well, there is one surefire way to find out. This goes way back to the basics of elementary school playground rules, fellas. Every girl is taught from a young age that if a boy is mean to them, that means they like them.

So be mean. Ignore her, call her ugly, insult her parents, kick her puppy. This is a high-risk, high-reward type of situation where one of two things happen; the first is she will instantly fall madly in love with you because science. Or, you’ll scare her away because she finds out that you are in fact too manly for the poor bird to handle.

A word of caution though. Since women are very complex organisms with a rare gene that gives them basic human emotion and needs, this methodology, if not handled with the proper amount of manipulation and care, you could find yourself in the dreaded “R” word. And believe me when I say this, if you find yourself in this type of situation, abort mission immediately.  I assure you that you will not be to handle the commitment and time it takes to maintain a you-know-what.

Now there is one other way to find out if she is in fact in to you. However, I do not recommend this course of action. This technique is super intricate, advanced and not for the faint of heart. It is a secret women like to keep very close and well kept, but fortunately for you I know all of the secrets.

It all started thousands of years ago in a small village a few miles south of nowhere. Atilda, a fair and modest cavewoman, was super into Grok, the village’s mightiest hunter. But she did not tell Grok this. Instead she dropped very subtle hints such as “Hey, Grok, my parents aren’t home. We should go out behind those bushes to collect berries together.” and “Hey, Grok, I’m taking my clothes off. You should come help me.”  Poor Grok did not understand the ways.

Now these types of hints are thousands of years old and still used to this day. The secret women don’t want you to know is this: Listen to what they are telling you, and if you like them, say something.

(But you and I both know that women are actually completely insane, and the first thing I told you to do is definitely the best thing.)

Sincerely,

Badvice

Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.

Need some badvice? Email Badvice at ude.usinull@efilgb.