Dear Badvice,

Ever since I can remember, I have literally sucked at everything. I suck at sports, I suck at video games, I suck at school, I suck at dating and building relationships. I just suck, and lately it’s been really eating at me. Most of the time I deal with it, but recently everyone around me is off getting girlfriends and being successful and I’m just not. You seem successful. What do you recommend I do?

Sincerely,

Bad At Life

Dear Bad At Life,

I feel you, brother, I truly do. It may seem like everyone else around you has their life figured out, but I promise you they don’t. Everyone you will meet in college is one bad remark on their favorite cardigan away from complete and utter mental collapse. But luckily for you, as the esteemed Badvice columnist, I have the answers that will solve all of your problems, including the ones you decided to omit (yes, I even know about those).

First of all, the only sport you need to be good at is the sport of life, which you are intrinsically bad at. But that’s okay, everyone is, unless you happen to have received a small loan of a million dollars. The solution to your problem, at least from my end, is to just stop trying. Hard work does not pay off. This is a proven fact. Sitting around wallowing in self-pity and refusing to make a change in your life when stagnation is the cause of your current predicament is obviously the number one solution.

I suggest channeling the spirit of the average middle-aged American. Really, it’s quite simple. You make a pentagram of Bud Light beer cans with a MAGA hat in the center. Then, just sit around in your Dorito-stained wife-beater apartment complaining about how kids these days didn’t have all these mental problems and how millennials are the downfall of America. If done successfully, the spirit of Ronald Reagan will possess you, turn your life around and make you a real man.

For good measure, enlist in the military where they will hand you an M16 assault rifle then push you out of a perfectly functional airplane for free. Congratulations, now you are a bona fide badass who skydives, and you get a free gun.

Now as for your relationship problems. It’s the same tragic story as everyone else, I’m sure. Boy meets girl, they dance, they kiss, they schmooze, they carry on and go home happy. Now this lasts for exactly four and a half years (face it, if you made it to year five we wouldn’t be having this conversation, now would we).

Then, you go off to college. You think, “Oh I’ll try the long-distance thing. What could go wrong?” only to find out she cheats on you twice and your relationship isn’t good—it never was. She breaks up with you but still incessantly texts you because obviously her new boy toy isn’t cutting it sexually. So now you constantly friendzone yourself because you are afraid of commitment and decide you want to be the gay best friend instead. Sound familiar?

Well, my dear friend I have a solution for that, too. It’s quite a simple one really. GIVE YOUR BALLS A TUG AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

I promise you have a lot to offer even if it doesn’t seem like it. And I can’t stress this enough: the friend zone might seem like a safe and warm place, but I promise you it will eat you alive. At first, it’s all sunshine and rainbows, then the next thing you know, you go on dates with the person while simultaneously planning their wedding. Do yourself a favor and go on a real date.

Lots of love,

Badvice

Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.

Need some Badvice? Email Badvice at ude.usinull@efilgb or drop a question at one of our submission boxes in the PSUB.