Dear Badvice,
Last weekend, I went a pretty wild party, and I ended up going home with someone. As I’m sure you can guess, things escalated rather quickly and we ended up making Jesus cry. I was intoxicated enough that I didn’t care that they used protection. I haven’t experienced any symptoms that I know of, but I’m worried about getting an STD.
Please help.
Sincerely, Possibly Papillomate
Dear Possibly Papillomate,
First of all, I would like to officially welcome you to the elite and prestigious secret society called H.P.V.P. (Human Papillomavirus Infection Positive).
All members of H.P.V.P. are held to a very high standard and are required to undergo certain hazing rituals to be formally initiated. Our membership requirements are fairly unselective: approximately 80 percent of sexually active adults will join our society at some point in their lives.
You will want to go to a health clinic either here on campus or in town. This is the only place we can know for certain you are worthy of initiation.
There is likely a moderate fee, but ask yourself this: is there really a price you can put on your future? We at H.P.V.P do not believe so.
Now, since this is a secret ritual I cannot go into too much detail here but know this: the test they will make you undergo will be relatively quick and painless.
After we receive the results from the ritual, you will receive an acceptance or rejection letter from our society. If you fail the ritual, meaning you are actually not positive as our name suggests, then we must, unfortunately, part ways. However, if you are positive, then your new life will begin immediately.
You will first uncouple yourself from damaging myths perpetuated by individuals less sex-positive than us. You will learn that “sleeping around a lot” does not entail a person’s worth or STD status, and conversely that even a partner with a “low body count” can still pass on an STD. You will disassociate STDs from societal stigma, understanding that while STDs are preventable and not exactly desirable, they are common and rarely the end of the world.
During our weekly H.P.V.P. meetings, you will take part in our protection education sessions, receiving your very own condom and banana to practice on. You’ll receive free condoms, which you can pick up for free at the counseling center, Gender Resource Center and Health Center if you run out during the week.
Each week, you will engage in chants designed to ground the importance of responsible sex practices in your young and reckless mind. No longer will your intoxication prevent you from engaging in safe, sexy, sexually-transmitted-disease-free intercourse. After repeating “wrap it before you tap it, wrap it before you tap it” 100 times at an H.P.V.P. meeting, the 12 vodka shots you downed at Jason’s kickback will never cause you to forget the necessity of a Trojan.
So, live freely, my child, and fear not, you may be looked down upon by the ignorant uninitiated, but I promise your life here at H.P.V.P. will be more liberating and sexually invigorating than any other point in your life.
Sincerely,
Badvice
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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