Dear Badvice,
The elections were yesterday, and I’ll be damned if I let those whiny-ass liberals take over my country. We need leaders with a spine, not bleeding-heart snowflakes that incite mob mentality. Now, I don’t mean to sound so brash but needless to say, I am deeply disappointed in the results of this election. I like to pride myself in the fact that I am a bona fide moderate, right smack dab in the middle, but this is just a nightmare. We have a joke for a president, a literal tidal wave of illegal aliens about to invade our country that need to be stopped, and cynical legislation that doesn’t actually affect me, but I am going to whine about it on Facebook regardless.
Blue wave my ass. Back in my day, this country was ran by one simple premise “Of the people, by the people, for the people.” Not by a ragtag band of raggedy, good for nothing, fear mongering, godless, greedy, racist, misogynistic, rapists with nothing better to do than smoke a dubby while they piss on the foundation of this beautiful country.
Okay, okay I need to just calm down a bit, it ain’t a big deal, just need to take a few deep breaths before I give myself a hernia again…
Like I said I am a moderate, I don’t like conservatives because their points of view are just archaic and medieval. But by God, those damn liberals make my blood boil. Like what kind of narcissistic inbred twits get to get away with pulling an old man out of his car and beating him nearly to death while their leaders stand up there like rabid dogs and condone that kind of behavior? It’s sickening, absolutely sickening. And these people call Republicans monsters…
Ugh, I’ve done and went off again, I promise I am not biased one way or another. I even have a lot of “Liberal” views. Like I believe in women’s rights (even though the gender gap is utter B.S.). I believe we should look out for our fellow man, you know make sure people are fed and have houses and stuff. But I also believe people should work instead of getting free handouts. That the government shouldn’t bend us over in taxes for “better healthcare,” and that we as a country have a right to have strong borders.
Well shoot, I done forgot to even ask you a question, just kind of went off. Anyway, my question to you is how do you cope with losing a lot of money because you bet that there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell a certain candidate got elected? I am asking for a friend…
Sincerely,
Moderately Moderate
Dear Moderately Moderate,
First of all, do yourself, as well as the rest of the world a favor and pick a damn side. You are obviously not a moderate. In fact, I would say you are fairly right-leaning. So, declare yourself a proud conservative and let your chains be broken. You will find life is far less stressful and contradictory. Typically, I would give you bad advice, but for this, I am making an exception. Thank me later.
Sincerely,
Badvice
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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