Dear Badvice,
It’s Halloween, and ever since I can remember, it’s been my all-time favorite holiday. I’ve always idolized horror legends like Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers and Leatherface. I often fantasize I’m the one partaking in the perfectly natural and totally relatable monstrous activity when I watch their movies. As a kid, Halloween was my chance to live these fantasies (legally, of course), and every year I would eagerly anticipate the holiday. This year, though, I had the crushing realization that I am an adult now and can’t. Now, I am depressed and don’t know what to do. Is it possible to still have fun on Halloween as an adult?
Sincerely,
Leatherface Wannabe
Dear Leatherface Wannabe,
Halloween is 150,000 percent not a holiday just for kids. They just so happen to steal all of our thunder. The reality is Halloween is where adults can shine.
It’s the one night a year where we can be deviant, tyrannical and slutty with zero consequences. We can throw parties and eat an entire bag of candy (razor blades and all) without anyone policing us. Children do not get that luxury.
So, for us disenchanted adults, I have compiled a list of debauchery that will guarantee a fabulous night of terror and childish glee.
The first thing is to get a costume. Now, I’m not talking about any ordinary costume like a slutty nurse or a banana costume. No, this Halloween we’re going to the big leagues.
Do you idolize Leatherface? Well, then be Leatherface. Don’t just buy a mask, craft one yourself from the flesh of that boss you hate, or that really one annoying neighbor whose dogs do nothing but bark at their own shadows. Halloween is all about authenticity. Spike up your hair with intestinal lining and try the newly-manufactured musk Fresh Livoure.
After your costume is complete, we will hit the town. Once in town, we have several options. This night is special. Tonight, will be a little bit more exciting. With your newly dawned flesh mask, we will need to take a quick trip to the local hardware store where you will have to purchase 150 feet of rope, extra strength trash bags, yellow rubber gloves, bleach and a chainsaw with fuel. The cashier will be none the wiser, thinking it’s just a good ol’ Halloween prank. But what they do not know is the extent of our little prank.
Next, we will take a trip down to the morgue. This may require some slight breaking and entering, but I promise it’s worth it. After you have, hopefully, successfully broken in, you will want to find our late Grandma Becky’s corpse (RIP, Grandma Becky) and gently place her into one of the trash bags. (Warning: your next actions risk invoking the vengeful spirit of Grandma Becky. If she is as formidable in death as she was in life, locate your friendly neighborhood exorcist at your earliest convenience. The consequences for inaction will likely result in haunting, screaming, scolding or potential death.)
After Grandma Becky is safely secured in her trash bag, drive to your ex-wife’s house that you definitely don’t suspiciously drive by every Tuesday afternoon, drop her off on the doorstep with a sticky note attached that has a little heart on it, ring the doorbell, break into the backyard and take back your dog that you should have won in the divorce settlement. Then, let the crescendo of screams and sirens fill your ears like a glorious symphony as you drive off into the darkness.
Happy Halloween,
Badvice
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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