Dear Badvice,
As a broke college student, I need a job, but can’t seem to find any. I have a pretty good work ethic and some job experience but could still use your advice. What is the best way to make money in Bannock County?
Sincerely,
Broke But Hopeful.
Dear Broke But Hopeful,
Money is always a struggle for college students. But it doesn’t have to be.
Fortunately for us, we live in Bannock County, the crown jewel of criminal activity and debauchery, which means there is ample means to find a job fast.
Now, before I delve into my perfectly flawless get-rich-fast scheme, you will need to know a few vital points of information.
First and foremost, you will need a couple of goats for a ritualistic sacrifice, a trumpet and an hourglass (for reasons). Also, call upon any mob connections you may have.
All of these are absolutely imperative to have before we can secure your newly formed criminal enterprise—er, I mean “business opportunity.”
Secondly, you are going to want a contingency plan. In these illustrious career paths, you are going to find yourself needing help anywhere you can. You’ll want someone to bail you out or a partner in crime who’s got your back when the inevitable downfall of all you hold dear in life occurs. This is where you call in that favor your friend Steve from eighth grade owes you or get in touch with that estranged uncle who owns a pig farm.
Now that trivialities are out of the way, we can really sink our teeth into the nuanced details.
Before you lie several options, some more practical than others. Each one will provide you with ample opportunity to collect that delicious cash. The first “business opportunity,” which is the most high-risk-high-reward option and most common, is to break bad. Yes, that’s right: channel your inner Heisenberg and get cooking.
Now I know what you are thinking. “I can’t cook meth, it’s too difficult. Where do I even start?” Well my friend, we all have a disgruntled chemistry major in our lives who doesn’t want to end up making shampoo for the rest of their life. It may take some bribing, but I’m sure it won’t be overly difficult to convince them, After all it’s only slightly illegal.
Once your chem major is secured you will need a businessman. I am sure you are very charismatic and suave yourself, but there is something about having a separate person who handles all the financial mumbo jumbo that makes your exciting new life all the better.
There are other more intimate options if you feel too off put by the life of being stuck in a dreary warehouse or rundown R.V. in the desert. I am of course referring to prostitution. Have you ever dreamed of a life of glitz and glamor, riding in a super fancy sports car surrounded by flocks of adoring fans? Selling your body for money is the number one surefire way to achieve this dream.
Can’t go all the way just yet? Well, fear not, because stripping is all the rage with kids these days. Not only is it lucrative, but it is also a great way to make genuine human connections and lifelong friendships. Fill that void in your life by taking your clothes off for money.
Either of these three options will turn your life around from broke and boring to luxurious and thrilling, just like you always dreamed about as a kid. Follow my advice and make your kindergarten self proud.
Sincerely,
Badvice
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
Need some badvice? Email Badvice at ude.usinull@efilgb
