Madeleine Coles
News Editor
Dear Badvice,
How do I get girls’ numbers?
Sincerely,
Shy Guy
Dear Shy Guy,
Ah, the age old and noble pursuit of obtaining a female’s cellular contact information. There have been many tips and tricks males have used to gain such information over the years; some have failed, some have almost worked, but all have been cringe-inducing nightmares for the females upon which they are being employed.
However, the one component most all of these techniques have in common is their brazen and uncaring nature. Think of the iconic and eternally quotable Mad TV sketch: most efforts to obtain a cell phone number go something like that.
But if you are particularly shy or just a normal person who feels uncomfortable stalking a girl in a movie theater and pelting her with questions about her boyfriend and her ponytail, you may need to try a more subtle approach.
This can be done in a number of ways. First of all, you’re in college, so you’re already in the prime environment to sneakily snag a number. Ask for it under the guise of using it for classroom and studying purposes and then slowly sneak your way into her heart.
Or, if that seems to overwhelming, you could always try your luck at finding them on Moodle and doing some serious internet stalking to see if you can find their number that way. It’s slightly creepier, but involves less direct contact. Which actually kind of makes it even creepier.
But you gotta do what you gotta do; there’s no judgement in badvice.
If the academic/straight up stalker approach isn’t working for you, don’t give up hope. There is always another way.
One sure fire way is to steal her phone. This plan is high risk but high reward. Now actually stealing her phone may be a little tricky, even more so if she’s the type of girl who keeps her phone in her pocket. In that situation, I would highly recommend a) taking pickpocketing lessons or b) utilizing one of your friends to stage a fake mugging.
Option a should probably be your first choice, but I’m not actually sure pick pocketing lessons are a thing, so in the event that I’m wrong about that, you’ll need to consider how badly you want her number. (And how good of a friend you have.)
After you have obtained her phone, through the means of your choice, things will get even more difficult. There’s a very good chance she’ll have a password on it. In this case, you’ll need to find someone who knows how to hack into people’s phones. (Note that between this and the pick pocketing lessons, you may be shelling out a pretty share of funds, so I hope she’s worth it, bro.)
Anyway, by this point you have obtained access to her phone and therefore been able to see the phone’s own number. Obviously having unlimited access to her phone leaves you with a lot more options than just looking at her phone number, but we’re going to pretend that you’re only mildly creepy in a charming kind of way and not an actual psychopath.
Having finally found her number, you’ll need to find a way to return the phone to her with her being none the wiser. This is where option b is really your best bet. You emerge victorious having bested her mugger. You return her phone to her, and she’ll probably be so grateful she’ll give you her number.
Sincerely,
Badvice
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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