Madeleine Coles

News Editor

Dear Badvice,

I am a young and naive high school graduate who is about to start school at ISU this fall. Do you have any advice on how to prepare for becoming a college student?

Sincerely,

All Freshmen

Dear All Freshmen,

In the interest of total honesty, the above letter is a total fake.

I wrote that.

Of course no freshman is going to write me because you don’t know who I am yet.

(Spoiler alert: I’m the person that’s going to get you through college. . . Until I graduate. Then you’re on your own.)

Back to the point at hand.

Despite not having actually received a letter from a new little freshman asking for advice, I will generously give you advice anyway because you need it, even if you don’t know it.

Here’s the first rule to surviving in college: throw out all of your expectations.

Know that everything is going to be infinitely worse and infinitely better than you ever thought it would be.

Rule number two: college is not high school, but most of the same rules apply.

It’s true there is (slightly) less of a caste system in college than high school, but wherever you landed on the social ladder senior year of high school is almost always exactly where you’ll start freshman year of college.

“That’s dumb,” you say.

“College is a fresh start,” you say.

Rule number three: you are wrong 99 percent of the time.

Think you aced that math test? Wrong.

Think you can maintain 15 credits, a job, a social life and a reasonable sleep schedule? Wrong.

Think you can drink everyone at a party under the table? Wrong.

Which brings me to rule number four: know your limits.

Your friends in high school may have offered you a drink, but your friends in college will kneel on your chest and pour Everclear down your throat if you let them.

Your classes in high school may have seemed impossibly difficult but your classes in college will oftentimes be simultaneously mind-numbingly boring and panic-attack-inducingly confusing.

All I can tell you is that it’s kind of like listening to any Katy Perry song made in the last year.

Basically, in the immortal words of Kenny Rogers, you gotta know when to fold ‘em. (“The Gambler.” Youtube it, kids.)

Sometimes, actually most of the time, failure is the best option.

Rule number five: remember that D’s get degrees (sometimes.)

I’m here to tell you this because your academic advisor will not.

While a D grade is not always acceptable, if you scrape through your geology class doing the bare minimum and manage to somehow crawl out the other side with a D, you can totally run with that.

Just saying.

Rule number six: don’t listen to everything you learn in your ACAD class.

For example, they’ll probably (definitely) tell you that you need to attend every class, read every assignment, take detailed notes of every lecture, be a responsible student in general, blah, blah, blah.

In all honesty, as long as you show up for the tests, you’re golden, pony boy. (“The Outsiders.” IMDB it, kids.)

Rule number seven: don’t take an ACAD class.

Rule number eight: the freshman 15 is inevitable.

Taco Bell and McDonald’s are always just a walk away.

Just get that beefy five-layer burrito and learn to love yourself.

Rule number nine: coffee is your best friend.

If you don’t like coffee, learn to.

Believe me, you’ll need it.

But most important is rule number 10: relax.

Don’t take things (this advice column for example) too seriously.

You only get to do this once.

Unless you go to grad school.

Or quit halfway through and start up again when you’re 35, married with three kids and looking to up your salary by a tiny amount that is not worth the gut-wrenching pain of going back to school.

Regardless of that though, college is a time to laugh until you cry, and I would say cry until you laugh but you will quickly learn that that does not happen.

Everything ends in tears, always.

Happy colleging my little freshies!

Editor’s Note: Seriously, don’t take this as actual advice. This is comedy and commentary. Don’t write us that you failed your classes because of it, that’s your problem, not ours.

Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.