There’s so many clubs and groups on campuses, and I’m not sure which ones I want to join. There’s also so many activities, but I don’t know which ones I want to go to, if any. Can you give me some advice on what to join/do?
Dear Uninvolved Student,
You know when you see all of those pictures in college brochures and flyers of attractive students decked out head to toe in “school spirit” having the time of their lives playing volleyball or collecting rocks or catching butterflies? (I’m going to be honest with you; I don’t really look at those brochures, so don’t come at me saying there’s not pictures of people catching butterflies.) Those pictures are actually of androids carefully staged to look like human college students having a jolly good time. Student activities are literally nothing like that.
In the interest of full disclosure, I will tell you that I’ve never actually been to a student activity. But I’ve seen many a video of one on Snapchat, so I feel like I am fully qualified to comment on them. It is primarily a bunch of sweaty students who didn’t have anything better to do on a Friday night jumping around hopped up on Mountain Dew with one lone kid in the corner. It’s basically every high school dance you ever went to. (I’ve also never been to a high school dance.) I will tell you however, one event that is (maybe) worth fighting through the hoard of college students is bingo, or so I have heard. I have it on fairly good authority that the prizes are actually pretty killer.
Now as far as clubs go, one of the worst nightmares a student can face is the student involvement fair. It’s a sh*t storm of hyped-up upperclassmen at plastic tables vying for the souls of innocent little freshmen; to be perfectly blunt, it’s a little bit culty.
Of course, that’s just my misanthropic perspective, but you did ask me for advice.
If you really want to join a club though, the first question you must ask yourself is: who has the best snacks? If they don’t have snacks at all, it’s an immediate no-go. Any club that offers pizza at its first meeting is worth going to, but there’s always a chance that the pizza was just a clever ruse to lure in hungry and unsuspecting students, and there will be no more food after that.
Your second consideration should be time commitment. You’re a very busy person; you need your alone time. Any club that makes you meet more than once a week (preferably once a month, but not everybody needs 15 hours of sleep a day like I do) should be avoided at all costs.
Finally, you should always evaluate the attractiveness of the people in the club. This can be tricky because they must be a careful balance of attractive, but not too attractive. The reason for this being that you don’t want to look like you hang out with losers, but you also don’t want to be the ugliest one there.
After carefully evaluating each club for the above three things, I think you’ll find the perfect fit for you.
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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