Ever since I got to college, the dating pool has been a little dry. There’s been guys I like, but they never pay any attention to me. How do I seduce a guy?
Dear Lonely Co-Ed,
Same. Let’s be real: you’re probably a catch. All single girls are. That’s why they’re single, because all men are idiots. However, with that in mind, I do understand the desire to have some fun with an idiot every now and again. Lucky for you, men, like a cold, are very easy to catch. You just have to employ some very simple seduction techniques.
The first step to gaining any man’s attention is to look as homely as possible. Believe me, boys love low-maintenance girls. Skip your next shower. Try going barefoot. Don’t brush your hair. Only wear pajamas. The more you can do to look like you just woke up, the better. You can even take this a step further if you’d like and never go anywhere if you’ve been awake for more than 20 minutes. Above all else, you should always be ready for a nap.
The next step is, obviously, ignoring them completely. The more they think you don’t want them, the more they’ll want you. Hard to get is unbelievably sexy. The most important step to this is to always leave them on read. No matter how many times they text you, do not text back. Even if it’s an emergency and they’re, like, dying or something. If they use their last breath to tell you they’ve always loved you, they’ll die loving you even more if you don’t reply.
A common mistake is only implementing this step in the virtual world. But it truly works best if you ignore them in the real world as well. You know that game every kid used to play with their siblings where they’d say, “did you hear something?” whenever their sibling talked or ask their mom why there was an extra plate at the table wherever their sibling was sitting? That’s essentially what you’ll want to do. Even if your crush is talking directly to you, just look right through them. Soon, they’ll be begging for your attention.
Next, you’ll want to ensure that he’s aware of everything you have to offer. And believe me, this is trickier than you think. It’s far more than suggestively eating a popsicle within his eyesight. You need to show him you’re “wife material.”
As all modern feminists know, being a good wife most importantly includes being a good cook. First and foremost, you’re going to need to find out this guy’s grocery shopping schedule. Next, you’ll want to always make sure you’re conveniently at the store at the same time as him. This will enable you to show him what a wonderful chef you are by buying sexy and exotic foods like dragon fruit and chocolate protein shakes. But, as we all know, men also like a girl with an appetite, so be sure to buy your mac n’ cheese in bulk, and don’t be afraid to go for that one gallon jug of Nutella.
But really, Lonely Co-Ed, the most important thing to remember is that you are infinitely better than any man. They should be seducing you. And if they’re not, screw ‘em. (Or…don’t screw them, I guess.)
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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