It has reached the point in the semester where I am feeling very stressed out. I don’t want to go to any of my classes, and I’m having a hard time staying motivated. What should I do?
A Jaded Student
Dear Jaded Student,
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I, myself rarely attend any of my classes, and find myself spending the majority of my time lying in bed, eating McDonald’s and binge-watching buddy cop shows.
Of course, you could do that. But I want a better life for you. That’s why I highly recommend you drop out of college.
I know your parents will probably be disappointed in you, and all of your professors will tell you that you have what it takes, you can succeed or you just need to put your mind to it.
But I can attest that all the time management skills and performance-enhancing drugs in the world will never give you the motivation needed to push through the ultimate test of patience, false hope and crippling debt that is higher education.
Listen. I know you’ve been conditioned your whole life to believe that college is the key to success, and the more education you have the better. And this soul-crushing, life-destroying, brain-melting time of your life will pay off in the long run. But the truth is, you have been sadly misled.
There is an abundance of jobs available to those with absolutely no college experience- and high paying jobs at that.
Now, I don’t want to tell you exactly what to do with your life. Not only that, but I can’t exactly publish the careers I think you should go into. But let’s just say there’s a lot of money to be made in, for lack of a better word, “exotic” careers.
But the lucrative and semi-legal career options available are just one of many reasons you should quit college. Other benefits include but are not limited to:
Never having to go to classes. Ever again. Ever.
Never having to do homework. (Let that sink in.)
Never having to drive around aimlessly looking for an open parking spot that will never exist because you’re in college and good things don’t happen.
Never having to get up early for class.
Literally just the fact that you don’t have to go to college. That should be enough for you.
So if you want to follow the beaten path in life and put yourself through financial, emotional and mental misery, whatever. Keep going to college. “Work up the motivation.” (Yeah, right.) And I honestly will pray that it works out for you.
Or you can save yourself a world of hurt and become one of the most honored things a person can be in our society: a college dropout.
Just ask Ellen DeGeneres, Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs and yes, even Oprah.
Quitting is cool.
Disclaimer: If you’re easily offended or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.