BADVICE: NEW YEAR, QUIT NOW

Madeleine Coles

Life Editor

Dear Badvice,

Do you have any tips on good New Year’s resolutions and/or how to stick to them?

Sincerely,

New Year, New Me

Dear New Year, New Me,

I actually feel quite sorry for you. You have somehow made it to college without yet being taught one of the most important lessons of life: low expectations lead to easier satisfaction. I can already tell, based solely on the fact that you used the cliche, horrid, and vastly outdated phrase “new year, new me”, exactly what your New Year’s resolutions look like.

– Eat More Vegetables/Less Fast Food/Go to the Gym/Some Variety of “Be Healthy”

– Stop Procrastinating

– Something About Spending More Time on “What Matters” (Whatever the hell that means)

– Get Better Grades

– Save Money

I could go on and on, but let’s get real: we both know I nailed that.

Point is, New Year, New Me, your resolutions are exactly the same as everyone else’s. And like everyone else, you will fail. Miserably, horribly, quickly.

Right now I presume your instagram feed is full of gym pics, your fridge is full of vegetables, and your textbooks and school supplies are neatly lined up and ready to “conquer” the spring semester.

Now, eat my heart out Miss Cleo, because I’m about to tell you your future.

In about one short month, your instagram feed will be back to heavily edited selfies and pictures of your cat, all of the vegetables in your fridge will be rotted, and you will have a snowball’s chance in hell of finding a single pen in the nuclear warzone that your desk has become.

And before you think that that won’t happen to you or that this is “your year,” let me drop a truth bomb that your mom has been sheltering you from your whole life. You will never, ever have the willpower to change. 

I know that sounds mean, and in all fairness, it is. I’m a mean person. But you see, I can admit that about myself. Before you get all up in arms, just know that you’re not alone. We are all garbage people together.

Therefore, I recommend taking a path that has led me to easy street for many years. Give up now; quit while you’re ahead; don’t even think about New Year’s resolutions. I promise you won’t regret it.

Just think about how much fun it will be to listen to all of your friends talk about their new diet while you down a greasy taco and laugh at their pain. Chunky thighs have never been so worth it.

But if you aren’t quite as advanced at resisting any and all forms of self-betterment as I am, the least you can do to preserve your pride and sanity is to create the easiest possible resolutions. I mean things that you actually have to put a considerable amount of effort into not achieving.

Just to give you a starting point, I’ll provide some examples of acceptable resolutions.

– Don’t Murder Anyone

– Don’t Become a Prostitute

– If You Must Become a Prostitute, Be a Classy Prostitute

– Save at Least One Penny

– Eat a Meal That Didn’t Come from McDonald’s at Least Once This Year

As you can see, the possibilities are truly endless. And you’ll be infinitely more satisfied with yourself knowing that you stuck to your resolutions for longer than whenever your freaky healthy vegan milk expires.

Because it’s not the fact that you actually changed something in your life for the better that matters. It’s the fact that you can tell everyone on social media you stuck to your New Year’s resolutions. Happy 2017.

Sincerely,

Badvice

Need some badvice? Email moc.liamgnull@lagnebeht.ecivdab

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