My roommate is, to put it politely, a little weird. She has no concept of personal space, which includes using my things, singing really loudly (and she doesn’t have a good voice) and watching, shall we say, adult material, in the living room for the world to see. I don’t want to be rude, but it’s really starting to annoy me. How can I tell her to be more private without hurting her feelings?
Dear Annoyed Roommate,
I blame sitcoms for the popular belief that having a roommate will be fun. You think it’s going to be all fun and games, and you’ll be Rachel and Monica and have the time of your life. Wrong. Nine times out of 10, you end up living with a Janice.
I, as perhaps the world’s most passive person, completely understand the desire to spare your roommate’s feelings. I am deeply allergic to confrontation and most of the time if I even think I’ve upset someone, I feel incredibly guilty about it for a long time. But everybody’s got a breaking point. And this is college, so believe me, you’ll find a roommate that will push you to yours.
But if you’re anything like me your breaking point probably involves exhibiting less than stellar behavior and making a lifelong enemy. So to avoid that, there’s a few options you can take to make your roommate less bearable without making her cry. (Although maybe she cries easily, what do I know.)
The first options is obvious: move out. You don’t even have to tell them you’re moving. Request a room transfer from housing, or if you don’t live on campus, just find a different place and leave in the middle of the night or while they’re on a ski trip to Montana with their family. I have personally always found that the best way to deal with your problems is to simply run away from them. Works every time.
However, there’s always the chance that you have a lease you can’t get out of or other circumstances that prevent you from ditching out. In that case, you can try one of two tried and true methods.
If you can’t literally run away, my next preferred option is to just pretend like you don’t live there. Hide all of your things so your roommate can’t use them anymore. Don’t emerge from your room. Ever.
If you must come out, and you happen to see your roommate, pretend you can’t see them. Don’t make eye contact and whatever you do, do not acknowledge them. After some time of this, most people will get the hint and leave you alone. And if they don’t, you don’t have to worry about it because you’ll rarely see them anyway.
That is the passive approach, if you’re like me. But, if you don’t want to spend eternity holed up in your room, you can always take the aggressive approach. Whatever they do, you do times ten. If your roommate is using your things without asking, slowly start stealing everything they own. Buy a state of the art surround sound system to blast your favorite music whenever they start singing. And if they’re watching porn in the living room, feel free to get frisky with your dates right out in the open. Even better if you know they’re home. Believe me, they’ll tone themselves down in no time at all.
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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