I am not a morning person. At all. I always seem to snooze through my alarms and getting up is a struggle every morning. How do I make getting up easier?
Dear Chronically Late,
I know that feel. As someone who is, at this point, pretty much nocturnal, (not to mention deeply in love with sleep) getting out of bed is basically the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Here’s the thing, Chronically Late, people will tell you all sorts of “tricks” to getting up in the morning, and believe me, I’ve tried them all.
Setting your coffee pot to start brewing so you’re woken up to the sweet smelling nectar of life-giving caffeine. (My bedroom is too far away from the kitchen.) Putting your alarm clock on the other side of the room. (I’m just going to turn it off and go back to sleep. I know it; you know it; we all know it.) Taking a shower first thing in the morning to “wake you up.” (I have legitimately fallen asleep in the shower before. More than once.) Buying a bed that springs forward and physically throws you across the room. (A lot of medical bills attached to that one.)
The point is when someone loves sleep as much as you and I, Chronically Late, they’re going to sleep. Through anything. One time my apartment actually and legitimately flooded in the middle of the night. People were coming in and out with towels and mops and buckets and trying frantically to fix it, and you better believe I slept through the whole disaster. I truly believe I will accidentally survive the apocalypse by sleeping through it.
And the really bad news is: even once you’ve woken up, you still have to find the motivation to actually leave your bed – your sweet, comfy bed with your 62 blankets and your body pillow and your life sized teddy bear named Steve. How can you possibly be expected to leave Steve? He would never leave you.
Of course, because you live in the year 2017, you’re using your phone as an alarm. Which means once you finally wake up, you check your phone because, come on, you’re only human. Suddenly you’re into some very deep Facebook stalking, you’ve missed all your classes and it’s time for dinner.
As you can see, it’s incredibly hard to be a lazy person with absolutely no motivation. Luckily for you, Chronically Late, you’ve come to the right person for help.
I won’t waste your time by giving you advice on how to get out of bed. In fact, I think you should embrace your slothfulness. Who says you actually have to get out of bed anyway? Remember that one time NASA paid people $18,000 to stay in bed for 70 days? That could be you.
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
Need some badvice? Email firstname.lastname@example.org