I know all college students are supposed to be broke, but I seriously live paycheck to paycheck. How can I save any money?
Broke as a Joke
Dear Broke as a Joke,
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single college student, in possession of a great debt, must be in want of, like, a single spare dollar. I totally understand you. There’s many, many terrible things about college but the never ending stream of poverty is the tragedy that pulls us all together. We’ve all had sleep for dinner and shamelessly stolen food from our parent’s house before.
But there’s always ways to give yourself a little more financial comfort. First, however, if you want to save money, you’ve got to make money.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: there are a lot of great money-making opportunities available to college students. I’m pretty sure I’m not technically allowed to tell you to be a stripper or a drug dealer, so let’s just say “stripping and drug dealing are very bad, and you definitely should not do it, even though they are very profitable careers.” (Wink, wink.)
Aside from those Very Bad career choices, there’s also panhandling, which is super immoral if you’re not actually homeless and also illegal in many areas, so you also should definitely not do that. (Wink, wink.)
Now, once you have acquired a nice income from moral and legal sources, the question becomes how to get the best bang for your buck.
Some people may tell you to invest your money in something worthwhile or put it in a savings account with high interest to increase your amount, but those are people with sad, boring lives who are probably going to have a financially secure future but their present is a total snooze fest.
There’s plenty of ways to save money while still having a good time. The number one rule: always buy in bulk. If you buy beers by the pitcher, it’s way cheaper. Buying a whole case of energy drinks saves you way more money than buying them one by one. And those huge boxes of snack size chips are basically an investment in your future.
Let’s be real, you know you’re going to buy all of these things anyway. If you just fully embrace your garbage habits and buy all of it at once, you’ll be amazed at how much you save compared to when you try to convince yourself that you’re better than that and end up spending more money buying each individual thing and hating yourself for it.
Another useful money saving technique is what I like to call the “drunk surprise.” You know when you’re drunk and you leave water and aspirin out for your sober self because drunk you is always way nicer than sober you? This is kind of like that. Hide money around your house, in your car, in your pants pockets, etc. for future you to find. It’s like a little mini Christmas every day you discover 20 bucks in your car console.
If you just loosen your morals and be a little irresponsible in where you place your money, you’ll be rolling in the dough in no time at all.
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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