Halloween is coming up, and I don’t know what to be. I want a costume that’s going to look sexy, but, living in Idaho, I don’t want to end up freezing. I also don’t want to have the same costume as every other girl. Any ideas?
Sincerely, Always a Sexy Cop
Dear Always a Sexy Cop,
Ah, is it that time of year again already? That magical time of year where, as they say in Mean Girls, a girl can dress as slutty as she wants and no other girl can say anything about it. It’s a little known fact that Halloween, like many other holidays, was created by men to give women an excuse to wear lingerie in public. (See also, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, the Fourth of July.)
That being said, I too surrender myself every year to the siren call of slutty-but-not-too-slutty Halloween costumes. It’s a delicate balance and tricky to achieve; luckily, I’ve had a lot of practice perfecting it.
As you’ve already stated, it’s even more difficult to find a suitable Halloween costume in Idaho, where Oct. 31 may as well be mid January for how frequently it snows that day. Fortunately, there are a few ways to look sexy and stay warm at the same time.
While sexy costumes usually entail baring as much skin as possible, it’s important to remember the desired “lewk” can be achieved just as easily with skin-tight clothing. Get freaky with a leather number; experiment with a morphsuit; the cold, cold world is your sexy oyster.
If cutting off your circulation isn’t your speed, consider trapping your warmth in your head or feet. Grab one of those nightmare-inducing bunny heads from Walmart and pair it with an Elle Woods-esque pink satin getup for an easy Playboy Bunny outfit that won’t give you hypothermia. (Frostbite, maybe. But the loss of your extremities will be worth it.) Or, make good use of the stripper boots trend to keep at least your feet and legs warm.
Equally important to nailing the perfect Halloween costume is to go retro. You may be tempted by recent trends, but believe me, you don’t want to be the fifth sexy Pennywise at a party. If you’re going to be a clown, go as one of the Killer Klowns from Outer Space, or get really classical and go as Otto Griebling, the German circus clown who worked for Barnum & Bailey. I can pretty much guarantee you, you’ll be the only Griebling at the party.
Disclaimer: If you are currently drunk, easily offended, or just not very bright, I would like to remind you that THIS IS SATIRE. Please do not follow my advice, or you could end up living life like me. And your mother does not want that for you.
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